These Comedians Have Hilarious Descriptions of America

George Carlin

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." 
“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.” 
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” 
“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” 

Jim Jeffries

"I understand that Australia and America are too vastly different cultures with two vastly different people. In Australia we had the biggest massacre on earth and the Australian government went, "That's it, no more guns!" And we all went, "Yeah, right, then, that seems fair enough."
Now in America, you have the Sandy Hook Massacre where tiny little children died and your government went, "Maybe, we'll get rid of big guns." And 50 percent of you said, "[Expletive] you, don't take my guns!" 

Luis CK

"It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become. There’s never a technological advancement where people think, “Wow, we can finally do this!” And I think a lot of it has to do with advertising. Americans have it constantly drilled into our heads, every fucking day, that we deserve everything to be perfect all the time."
"Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That’s how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?"

Groucho Marx

"All people are born alike, except Republicans and Democrats."

Oscar Wilde


“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” 

Mark Twain

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” 


But  let's not forget what makes this country so great. 

“America is the greatest engine of innovation that has ever existed, and it can't be duplicated anytime soon, because it is the product of a multitude of factors: extreme freedom of thought, an emphasis on independent thinking, a steady immigration of new minds, a risk-taking culture with no stigma attached to trying and failing, a non-corrupt bureaucracy, and financial markets and a venture capital system that are unrivaled at taking new ideas and turning them into global products.” 
― Thomas L. Friedman