Humor

These Comedians Have Hilarious Descriptions of America

George Carlin

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." 
 
“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.” 
 
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” 
 
“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” 
 

Jim Jeffries

"I understand that Australia and America are too vastly different cultures with two vastly different people. In Australia we had the biggest massacre on earth and the Australian government went, "That's it, no more guns!" And we all went, "Yeah, right, then, that seems fair enough."
Now in America, you have the Sandy Hook Massacre where tiny little children died and your government went, "Maybe, we'll get rid of big guns." And 50 percent of you said, "[Expletive] you, don't take my guns!" 

Luis CK

"It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become. There’s never a technological advancement where people think, “Wow, we can finally do this!” And I think a lot of it has to do with advertising. Americans have it constantly drilled into our heads, every fucking day, that we deserve everything to be perfect all the time."
"Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That’s how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?"

Groucho Marx

"All people are born alike, except Republicans and Democrats."
 

Oscar Wilde

 

“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” 

Mark Twain


“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” 

 

But  let's not forget what makes this country so great. 

“America is the greatest engine of innovation that has ever existed, and it can't be duplicated anytime soon, because it is the product of a multitude of factors: extreme freedom of thought, an emphasis on independent thinking, a steady immigration of new minds, a risk-taking culture with no stigma attached to trying and failing, a non-corrupt bureaucracy, and financial markets and a venture capital system that are unrivaled at taking new ideas and turning them into global products.” 
― Thomas L. Friedman

These Comedians Have Hilarious Views on Religion

Trying to make sense of the world can be difficult. When in need of help, who do you seek? Do we turn to a Doctor, a professor, a philosopher, a friend, a parent, a priest or a shaman? Sometimes, only a comedian can help us understand the inexplicable. That's why we are celebrating 5 great comedians whose views on the world's most controversial topic, religion, will knock you off your feet. Enjoy and don't forget to laugh!


1. George Carlin

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"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll to to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! "
 
"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Ok. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that god was having trouble with. For years I asked god to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit."

2. Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

3.  Louis C.K.

"I don’t think… Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God, but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey God!” And he’s like, “Yep?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy dicks down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this room with me now.” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it! I’ve been here since 1983.” 

4. Woody Allen

 
"If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

5. Ricky Gervais

"If you want to deny something don't choose Evolution or the Holocaust. You'll look silly. Way too much evidence. Choose God or Homeopathy."